Since the dawn of female characters in video games, whenever a pixelated woman so much as shares the same screen with their male counterpart, one question always leaps to a gamer’s highly sophisticated mind: “You think they bang?” Rest assured, curious fanfiction writers and guys clad in ahegao hoodies, at least one of your potential ships has been confirmed as canon: gaming’s most iconic duo, Banjo and Kazooie.
Gregg Mayles, lead designer and director for Banjo-Kazooie, confirmed the relationship in a conference of the cartoon couple’s conjugal coupling in Clanker’s Cavern. “Yes, it’s time we made this matter official. Throughout the game, both Banjo and Kazooie were not only getting jiggies, they were getting jiggy with it. Each other, that is. They were getting… jiggy with… alright. They fucked, okay?”
Previous employees who worked on the game have stated that there used to be more concrete evidence of the frantic furries fucking on Freezeezy Peak. Some developers say that if you play Banjo’s “GUH-HUH” with increasing pitch and speed near Grant Kirkhope, he will still vomit. Some text files left in the game allude to this cut content with what appears to be Gruntilda’s dialog, saying: “You will never find Tooty, at these levels you keep sucking. But you might get somewhere, if that bird you’d quit HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH!”
Ultimately, any remains of the randy relationship were removed when Nintendo found out that Banjo and Kazooie could potentially Stop N’ Swap. “We had the technology to make such a thing happen,” said Mayles, “but society in the 90s was simply not ready for a vers anthropomorphic bear being pegged by a red-crested breegull. Anyway, to answer your question, no, Rare isn’t really working on anything right now.”
It should come as no surprise that these manic mascots made magic happen on Mumbo’s Mountain. Rare has always had a history of slipping some cheeky adult content into their family-friendly games. Conker’s Bad Fur Day had Mr. Bee “pollinate” a stacked sunflower. Donkey Kong 64 sees Chunky Kong forcefully tickling King K. Rule’s toes in the final boss battle. Star Fox Adventures literally fucked over an entire dedicated fanbase with one rushed amalgamation of a game. The list goes on.
While we’re on the topic, Krystal and Fox McCloud… they did, right?