If there’s one thing every gamer hates, it’s the feeling of being coerced into spending extra money. Plenty of us roll our eyes when we see a $200 price tag on a collector’s edition for a triple-A game. But keep an eye on those wallets, folks, because the industry has found a new way to make sure you’re getting the best possible bang for your buck. This year, every Game of the Year edition will unilaterally come with a complimentary Ziploc bag full of gamer girl spit.
“What we’re doing is setting a new industry standard,” claims Bethesda executive Todd Howard, after signing the agreement that includes big-name publishers such as EA, Activision, Ubisoft, and Square Enix. “It’s not easy getting a few dozen triple-A studios to agree on anything, but we felt it was the right thing to do.”
Companies are reportedly acquiring the saliva from free-range, locally-sourced gamer girls. Small independent facilities all around the US, colloquially referred to as “spittoons,” hire any woman who meets a traditional attractiveness quota and can prove her epic gaming lifestyle. Experts at these facilities claim that the attractiveness quota is vital to the process, as they can easily spot the difference in the saliva’s quality.
We asked Julia Magnuson, one such gamer girl who asked to remain anonymous, whether she feels degraded by her newfound employment. “I get paid to spit into these little bags all day. Make of that what you will.”
Ziploc CEO Fisk Johnson didn’t make a specific statement about his company’s involvement with this new industry direction, simply stating, “There have been worse things put into Ziploc bags. That’s why we make those really small ones. Cocaine.”
Reportedly, rather than actual zipper bags, Ziploc will be providing the really cheap, shitty ones that you have to kind of click together a bunch of times.