“I’m not allowed to appear ‘away’ on Zoom during work hours,” says Rachel Michelson, local software salesperson enduring yet another day of working from home. Her office shut down over a month ago, and she’s been in self-quarantine ever since. “So I just wiggle the mouse every once in a while and play Animal Crossing: New Horizons on my Switch. It resets my status, see? Just kinda wiggle it. Easy peasy. Little wiggle.”
“I know this pandemic is hitting a lot of people hard, but to be honest, I’m kinda living large,” Michelson continues. “I was already hoping for a couple months off to play this game, and while a global crisis isn’t exactly what I had in mind, it works out. I’d never be able to get away with this at the office, but here at home? Every few minutes, just wiggle it a bit. Yeah, don’t worry boss, I’m selling—selling forty tarantulas to this gay lizard, that is. Wiggle that bitch.”
Rachel’s work hasn’t suffered from her idle habits. She reports that even though she’s required to work an eight-hour day, she usually meets her daily quota in less than half that time. “Do you know how hard it is to pretend like you’re super busy when you’re hella not? All my stuff is done but I still don’t get a breather for four more hours? I couldn’t have wished for a better gig right now. Hell, I’m gonna ask if I can work from home even after the office reopens. Catch me wiggling until thirteen o’clock. This gamerules. It is affecting my relationship with my husband, though.”
“See? You push the mouse a little, and you’re golden,” Rachel reiterates. “You’re looking, right? You’re not looking. Check this out. Did you see that? Hang on, I’ll adjust my camera. Boom. Little wiggledy-doo. God, I feel so powerful. Is this what middle management is like?”
This article is being forwarded to Rachel’s employer, and we told your boss that you watch anime on your other laptop too.