“In light of recent events, Wizards of the Coast wishes to express its deepest, most sincere apologies,” announced lead MtG designer and professional martyr Mark Rosewater in the Blogatog press conference held this morning. “After some self-reflection, and lot of internal discussion, we’ve decided to just set the record straight: Chandra is bisexual. On Tuesdays.”
“We know that this compromise may not be entirely satisfying to everyone,” he continued after the confused murmuring had died down. “But we’ve talked it over with Hasbro, and they’re concerned that having an openly LGBT+ character would be negatively received in China—I mean, we feel that one day of the week is more than enough—I mean, here’s Greg Weisman to answer any and all of your questions about upcoming MtG lore.”
“Everything that ever happened between Nissa and Chandra was on a Tuesday,” proclaimed brawny (and decidedly male) author Greg Weisman immediately after taking the stand. “You can’t prove it wasn’t. Khaladesh? Tuesday. Amonkhet? Tuesday. Chandra dropping to one knee, clasping Nissa’s hand in her own and proclaiming her undying, very non-platonic love, which Nissa clearly and explicitly acknowledged? Well on every other day of the week, Chandra loved Gideon and no one else.”
Weisman also confirmed that on non-Tuesdays, Ral Zerak and Tomik Vrona are “brawny best buds”, who enjoy doing “man things” together, like “playing football, cruising around in their muscle cars, and picking up chicks.” He then launched into an eleven-minute rant angrily denouncing fellow author and Bolas enthusiast Brandon Sanderson as a “scrawny hack… why do you love him and not me? Is it because he actually cares about these stupid pieces of cardboard? They have no brawn, no soul! I wrote Atlantis 2: Milo’s Return! Where’s my fucking Hugo?”
“I think that what Greg was trying to say is that MtG has always been primarily concerned with its gameplay,” clarified Rosewater after wrestling the mic away from his companion in a very really platonic manner. “And we can all agree that it’s pretty good right now—I mean, as long as you aren’t playing standard or modern—I mean, 3/3 elks aren’t that bad, remember Urza’s Legacy? Actually, forget it, immediately.”
The press conference closed with a statement made by a mysterious man in a cat fursuit, who Rosewater kept referring to as “Ajani” while desperately winking at the audience and mouthing “I’m not like them” over and over again. “Ay girl, be sure to buy the new upcoming novel War of the Spark: Mu Yanling Rejects Western Imperialism, by legendary author Greg Weisman,” the fursuited man proclaimed while flexing aggressively. “Three book contract. Didn’t hire an editor to proofread it. You’ll buy it. Don’t pretend you won’t. What else are you gonna do? I’m Ajani, and I loooooooove lasagna! Please play KeyForge. I have nothing else left.”
Editor’s Note (11/25/19): A previous version of this article referenced Thursdays instead of Tuesdays. Unfortunately, this carried some unintended cross-cultural connotations, and so we changed the weekday.