Who could’ve guessed? As the massively popular Among Us steamrolls through the streaming community, more and more unexpected faces are adding to the momentum. This week, the shadowy cabal of prehistoric lizard people who live in the earth’s core and control every major government on earth started up their own official Twitch channel, and shockingly, they are really good at Among Us.
“I was so sure my alibi was foolproof,” reports one gamer unlucky enough to play against the unstoppable reptilians. “But when it came time to vote, Zjarlax the Black Maw simply opened its sixth eye and peered into my very soul. Once it knew I was lying, it used its 5G mind-control rays to force the other players to eject me. Now I’ve got this uncanny urge to get an abortion.”
The lizards’ greatest strength seems to stem from their ability to assimilate seamlessly into human culture and then quietly warp it into a dystopian nightmare of unending darkness, which it turns out, comes very handy in Among Us.
“I guess it just comes to us naturally,” says Ssi’zek the All-Consuming, who boasts an impressive 99% win rate in the 2018 mobile and PC game. “We see all truths yet create all lies, so games about social manipulation just fall right into our area of expertise. We’ve never taken much interest in video games beyond using them to disseminate our Satanic mantras, but this Twitch channel was a really great idea.” Reportedly, Ssi’zek would have a 100% win rate, were it not matched up against one of the rare geniuses who understand the truth of its terrible reign and its crippling weakness to tin foil.
“The only real challenge for us lizard people is when we play against each other,” adds Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Sure, we’ve gotten into a few cosmologically apocalyptic battles that wink out entire universes on-stream, but of course, it’s just banter. I really appreciate this chance to have a good time with my friends. In fact, I think you can expect to see Among Us on the Oculus very soon. I’m Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.”
Be sure to check out our reptilian overlords’ stream while you still have the chance to do so willingly. You can find them at Twitch.tv/RiotGames.