When I Knew It Was Over: My Husband Writes Long, Detailed Steam Reviews

It’s rare that you’re able to trace something back to the very beginning of the end—the first domino that toppled over and lead to the finale of something you’ve built your life around. For me, it was when I opened a file on my husband Tom’s desktop, titled “CIV VI Review.doc”. There were notes in the margins, a detailed revision history, and graphs imported over from Excel. The version I was reading was labeled “awaiting peer review.” I closed the file, took my ring off, and started rebuilding my life.

It’s not that the Steam reviews were our big problem. Let me be clear, they were a problem—no one wants to hear Tom Booker’s opinion on the Crash Bandicoot N-Sane Trilogy in 2019, and anyone who does isn’t going to be willing to go past three paragraphs. The problem was that his review of the N-Sane Trilogy had a thesis and several references to scientific journals, and his idea of a date is going to Olive Garden and then Cinnabun afterward because their desserts are too pricy. Well, it’s over, Tom—and momma’s getting herself some tiramisu.

Now I’m staying at my Mom’s, and I assume Tom is a few weeks from finally unleashing his Civilization review upon the world, a full three years after its release date. “Thanks, Tom,” they’ll all say. “Now I can finally make an informed decision, on a game from 2016, that has been five dollars at every Steam sale since last Christmas.”

Tom, if you’re reading this, and I can’t think of anything else you’d be doing, don’t call me. I’m moving on, and I don’t see a reality where we can be together. Especially after you called Stardew Valley “redundant.” Redundant of what? Other good games?

The tiramisu is seven dollars, Tom. Seven dollars.

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