In the aftermath of the climactic battle against The Dark Titan and the forces of his Burning Legion, life has returned to a sense of normalcy for the champions of Azeroth. Such was the case for Jamorkus—a prominent gnome warlock—until his entire life was upended by a summoning ritual gone awry. Jamorkus was attempting to summon a wrathguard, but what actually came out of the summoning portal was described by many as “fucking Sargeras.”
“At first it seemed like any other ritual,” said Jamorkus, sitting on the shoulders of a kneeling demon to be at eye-level with our reporter. “The ground started trembling, a rift in the fabric of the universe opened up and started spewing felfire… you know, textbook stuff. But then the rift just kept growing, and some crashing orchestral score started playing in the background.”
Multiple eyewitnesses reported seeing massive storm clouds and bolts of green lightning in the skies above the portal, which stood nearly a mile high at its peak. Finally, when it seemed that the fel energies would tear the world asunder, The Dark Titan himself strode through the portal and roared, “Tremble, mortals, and despair! The tides of doom rise once more!”
“Yeah, things seemed pretty dire there for a minute,” Jamorkus continued. “He wiped out a few cities just by stepping on them on his way out of the portal, but I thought to myself, what the hell? Maybe my Enslave Demon spell will do the trick.”
Jamorkus now describes Sargeras as his “bitch.”
In a move that has been described as “wildly irresponsible,” and “likely to bring about the doom of all life,” Jamorkus has since been using Sargeras to clear mythic raids in record time.
“Yeah, there’s some good and bad to having the literal incarnation of fury and chaos as your combat pet,” the warlock admitted. “Every time I order him to attack something he just screams, “NO!” and stabs the planet. It’s messy, but it gets the job done. The entire scenario is turned into a crater and the entire party wipes, but it’s worth it because we still get the loot in the mail. Don’t give me that look, Druids have been dropping moons on people for an entire expansion now.”
In the last few days, Jamorkus has become far more ambitious with his newfound power. Both Stormwind and Orgrimmar have fallen before him, and the surviving leaders of the Alliance and Horde have agreed to an unconditional surrender. Soon a new nation of all people will arise from the ashes of the old world, washed clean by the blood of the fallen.
When reached for comment, Illidan Stormrage went on record screaming, “Where the fuck is he?”