A tragic warning to others today as video game protagonist Axe Jaxes contracted Hepatitis C from injecting himself with a used powerup. Axe was preparing to do battle with the boss of the level “Bum Beach,” and prepped for this by injecting himself with all of the powerups he could find, all of which had previously been used by the bums of the beach.
“Look bucko, if I see a powerup I use it!” said cigar-chewing protagonist and spiraling powerup addict Axe Jaxes. “I was on Bum Beach, and these bums kept coming up to me wanting to fight. I told them to stuff it where the sun don’t shine and punch-kicked their heads off. Of course one of the bums dropped a syringe with a powerup in it. I have a lot of power, but I could always bring my power up! I thought it might have been invincibility or a health boost, but it turned out to just be Hepatitis C. That didn’t help me with my fights at all.”
Doctor Quackenstein, the man who patches Axe up and serves as his confidant, has repeatedly advised Axe to not use every dirty needle he finds, as they are actually very infrequently powerups.
“I used to love him,” said bombshell and demolitions expert Blondie Bullets. “He was so much fun when he was just karate chopping minions into little bits, or when he learned how to do a brand new spin kick attack. Those were the times I cherished. But then it became more and more about getting the next powerup. Eventually, he didn’t care where it came from, he would fight a moose in the woods in the hopes it would drop one. I hope he gets help.”
At press time, Axe was in the hospital looking for some ass to kick, but was restrained by several orderlies using a near-lethal dose of horse tranquilizer.