In a turn of events that authorities are saying “would be cute if not for the thousands of casualties,” a Milwaukee 9-year-old, Kevin Clarke, has begun a city-wide rampage aided by a weaponized supersuit that he designed using different pieces of “highly advanced” cardboard from his Nintendo Labo kit.
“We don’t really see an end in sight here,” stated Mayor Tom Barrett in a broadcast from a secret location where he declared a state of emergency for the tri-state area. “This is extremely advanced Japanese tech and nothing like what we’ve seen before. It appears that little Kevin has harnessed the chaotic power of imagination promised by this household toy and is using it to spread wanton destruction and death.”
Labo, which the Pentagon describes as “a box,” is a Nintendo product that integrates with the Nintendo Switch to transform the experience of playing with the console into different, more hands-on experiences, such as playing the piano, making a simple walking robot, or allowing a prepubescent child to reduce most of urban Wisconsin to a smoldering wasteland.
On the scene at what is being called the “‘Maybe They Do Cause Violence’ Massacre,” police in riot gear attempted to negotiate with the 9-year-old, asking him how school was, if he had started thinking about girls, and pleading with him not to level the Milwaukee Art Museum while it was still crowded with students on a school trip.
“Oh, he came through here alright,” claims Milwaukee native David Karnes, standing in front of the remains of his neighbor’s home. “It wasn’t like anything I’d ever seen before. He was using that HD Rumble technology they’ve got on those Nintendo Switches—just vibrated John’s house mercilessly until it collapsed.”
“He was—is—in there,” David tells us, looking back at the heap of rubble.
Eyewitness reports are varied but there are many common threads in their stories—a 9-year-old boy, clad in cardboard, using some sort of paper piano to control several different weapons built into the suit: a giant cardboard fist, the aforementioned “HD Rumble,” a fishing hook designed to make sure there can be no escape, and an M134D Hybrid Mini Gun.
In response to the incident, Nintendo sued a local news station for using a clip from a Nintendo Labo commercial.
