It’s Friday night. You and your partner just came back from a socially distanced mambo contest and your hearts are racing. The passion is palpable, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife, and you need something playing in the background to help accentuate the mood. But, panic! You left your Funky Time mixtape back at the dance hall, and you need something now! Thankfully, Shigeru Miyamoto and Koji Kondo have your back. Just use these songs and everything downstairs will be ready like F.L.U.D.D.!
5. Super Mario Galaxy – Gusty Garden Galaxy
The best song in the game. The worst, most boring level in the game. What better song for getting a handjob? Premature ejaculators can celebrate if they climax right when the first crescendo hits, too!
4. Super Mario 64 – Dire, Dire Docks
Have your partner sit down and relax as you slowly take off your clothes to 138 beats per minute of sheer sexual energy. The calming melodies will contrast with how hard you want to tongue bathe each other and will make the wait even harder. Patience is a virtue, as is catching that goddamned underwater eel, so if you both focus on that, it’ll take the sultry, sensual vibes to the next level.
3. Super Mario Bros. – Underground
If you’re like us, you’re already humming this every time a finger starts making its way to your butthole. As a bonus, humming the Invincibility theme if more than two fingers go in will make your partner feel like the sex deity they truly are.
2. Super Mario World – Athletic
The game that introduced Yoshi to the world works wonders when your partner has their legs on your shoulders. Make it even more risque by tapping their butt to the Yoshi drum background music.
1. Super Mario 64 – Slider
This is it: the apex of dirty, slutty anthems. Just fucking smash your crotches together like your lives depend on it. We recommend you imagine your partner is a giant penguin, and you’re racing them “to the finish line.”
By this point, you and your partner should be exhausted, both from the orgasms as well as jumping with your fists in the air and shouting, “Cum!” Thanks for reading, and keep an eye out for our upcoming articles, “Top 5 Final Fantasy Songs to Pour Candle Wax Onto Your Partner’s Genitals” and “Top 5 Metroid Prime Songs to Moan While Eating Ass.”