The newly invigorated Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater franchise just announced another exciting shot in the arm: Tony Hawk’s Amateur Skater. This upcoming game will feature a soundtrack exclusively consisting of your friend’s live Phish cassette, and will feature your character just barely not landing any tricks.
Skate-heads rejoice! Finally a game that accurately displays the life of an amateur skater. Instead of your character unrealistically consistently landing simple tricks like kick-flips, you will instead attempt a kick-flip, trip over your board, and have your character say aloud, “Ah man I almost made that one, did you guys see?” This is by far the most realistic depiction of skating ever put into a video game.
The exciting “My Skater” career mode will feature a player designed character, limited exclusively to long-haired burnout white kids named Jared.The first cutscene has the player character buying a board at free-style and immediately skinning his knee when he tries to ride it for the first time. Two months later, after Jared builds up confidence again, he will go to a skate park and become disillusioned with the amount of practice it takes.
Jared fights out of the mean streets of the middle-class suburbs with only his terrible skating, all to the tune of Farmhouse on repeat. Realistically, Jared will not even wear a helmet until he sees one of his friends get a terrible concussion attempting to grind. Every new skill and trick you learn will require you to build up your “confidence” meter by skating straight and not falling off. We reached out to the developers to see if it was possible to land a trick, and they confirmed it is not.
We can’t wait to get our hands on this game and start pretending to be cooler than we are! The physical game also comes packaged with a gram of shitty ditch weed.