This Not What Area Man Had In Mind When He Said He Wanted To Sleep With Pokémon

“This is not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to sleep with Pokémon,” reports area man Charles Gunther regarding the in-development mobile game Pokémon Sleep, which was announced at a press conference on May 28th. It is unclear exactly what Gunther did have in mind, as he continually refuses to elaborate.

While little is known about the exact gameplay of Pokémon Sleep, the game promises to turn sleeping into entertainment, much like Pokémon Go did with walking. “It’s just like, sleeping was already entertainment if you were doing it right,” continues Gunther, speaking in some sort of incomprehensible riddle.

“I understand that my tastes are a bit unconventional. I just wanted to have a little fun with the Pokémon, you know? Just a little bit of fun outside the, uh… main games.” Our reporter repeatedly presses Gunther to explain his meaning, but the man continues in short, cryptic non-answers. “You know. Just wanted to get down to a little something-something. A little [indecipherable mumbling] here and there. You don’t know what I mean? Come on, you’ve gotta know. Come on.”

As part of his puzzling explanation, Charles lists some of his favorite Pokémon. While his standard tastes include Gardevoir, Lopunny, Lucario, and Salazzle, he claims that he wouldn’t be against adding a Lickilicky, Buzzwole, or Muk to his team if you know what he’s saying. Sadly, we do not. As Gunther puts it, “I’d like to see a little less Snorlax and a lot more Pheromosa in these ads, yeah?”

Pokémon Sleep is currently slated for release in 2020. In the meantime, Charles has resolved to continue getting his Pokémon fix from fanfics, as well as something called “rule 34,” whatever that means.

(Editor’s note: Our reporter shot awake this morning at 3am screaming “Sex! He’s talking about sex!” over and over again in a deranged frenzy. We will not be reporting on this topic any further.)