The True WoW Classic Experience: I Have Not Seen A Woman In Weeks

Well, WoW Classic is out, and you know what that means: hook the old CRT up to my computer, take a week or two off work, break out the old Razr Naga, and put an unbelievable strain on my marriage.

See, I subscribe to the purist philosophy when it comes to Classic. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it—and there was certainly nothing broken about the game that launched the most successful RPG franchise of all time. It certainly has its quirks and inconveniences, but so does life—and in Christmas 2004, World of Warcraft was life. A half-naked night elf banking toon was the only female companionship we needed. Now, fifteen years later, we find ourselves trying to recover a shard of our lost youth—and the only way to do that is to recreate those old days as closely as possible; hence why I’ve refused to even see my wife Sarah since the game’s launch.

This hasn’t been an easy task. Between having the guys over for countless LAN parties (not including Rebecca, who we picked up into the guild in Wrath and has been instructed to stay home at all times) it’s been hard not to catch a glimpse of my beloved peering down the basement stairs. With the help of my trusty Logitech G533 headset, I’ve been able to completely ignore her constant begging to unlock the cellar door while I experience the world of Azeroth in surround sound.

Even the guys have questioned my methods for experiencing Classic—but I didn’t listen to them in 2014 when I skipped fall semester so I could go to BlizzCon, and I’m not going to listen to them now. I don’t get what the big hang-up is—Chris took a two-week hunting trip last year, why is he giving me a hard time now for spending a fortnight apart from my wife and daughter, only leaving in the dead of night to grab frozen groceries at 7/11 so I can completely ignore their existence to pretend we’re a bit closer to the turn of the millenium for just a while?

Anyway, I’m probably just going to switch back to retail this weekend. Miss flying too much.

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