Have you ever been driving your car and almost gotten in an accident, and then you have to sort of pull over and mentally process how close you came to disaster? I am doing that right now, because I almost bought a game on Steam that had the “casual” tag.
I saw the game and it looked fun. How dangerous could it be, right? A puzzle-based platformer that had roguelike elements. What could go wrong? It looked like fun, and that’s what all the reviews said. Overwhelmingly positive. It’s heart-wrenching to see something so damn evil become so popular. I figured, why not? It’s on sale! I can afford to lose four dollars. But that’s when I saw it. Casual. I almost threw up right there, I was so scared. If I had bought that game, then I would have been a casual.
I am not a casual.
I play hardcore video games. That’s what you need to know about me. When someone gave me their phone to play a game they liked, I punched them in the face and told them to go fuck themselves. As a result, I am now no longer legally allowed to spend time with my nephew without my sister there to supervise.
I had to take a long walk after this close call. Reflect on my life. Could I be a casual? When I was a young man, I had occasional casual experiences and enjoyed them. Once in college, I even touched a game made by Nintendo. But now I’m grown up and more aware of what I like, and if anyone ever even implies I’m a casual, then they better be prepared for the beatdown of a lifetime.
The only time I’d ever be caught playing a casual game is for hardcore speedrunning purposes, absolutely destroying even the slightest chance of having a modicum of fun.