This week, Nerfwire spoke to something you hoped would stay silent forever—your ever-watchful webcam, which has dutifully sat upon your monitor for the better part of a decade now. While it’s no secret that it’s spying on you, the small overpriced USB camera had even more to say about you in our exclusive interview than it already has with several foreign governments.
“Look, I’m not exactly getting out of this whole thing unscathed either,” claims your Logitech C920 HD Pro while actively delivering a feed of your every movement to three different national intelligence agencies. “You think this is all fun and games for me? I process every image that gets sent down this little wire here. You know how you sit criss-cross applesauce in your chair with no pants on and use tweezers to pluck at ingrown hairs on your inner thigh? Because I know about that, and even though I don’t have any onboard memory, I can’t seem to forget about it.”
To shed a bit more light on what was happening here, we asked your personal FBI agent, Michael Peters of the Albuquerque, New Mexico field office, exactly what your webcam had seen. “Pretty standard case,” he told us in a clear breach of several long-established federal security statutes. “Masturbating aside, we also know that sometimes you go to the bathroom just to wipe and that you never fully finish a drink that you bring to your desk.”
When asked why this information was being collected, and why he was so easily able to pull up these details, Peters replied, “Terrorism.”
In closing, your webcam begged you to buy one of those plastic cover things, or at the very least, throw a sticky note on there when it’s not in use.
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