Havoc struck the Interstellar Federation this morning when augmented super soldier and silent protagonist Soldier X received new orders from his superiors at Space Command, but made no acknowledgment whatsoever in return, forcing them to write him off as a “standoffish asshole.” Soldier X is famous for having saved Earth numerous times—he is not, however, famous for his manners, as he is known for just silently staring at people after they talk to him.
“Look, I appreciate everything he’s done,” says Brigadier General Wennifried Troy. “We once held back fifteen waves of Cyklaxions together in order to give the local civilians time to escape. Sure, he did most of the heavy lifting, but I was definitely the Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan. At the end, when we were covered in alien blood and guts, I went over to the guy and shook his hand. He deserved it, did a great job. I asked him if he wanted to get a beer when this was all over, and the asshole just stood there! Didn’t even acknowledge me. He spent the next two minutes searching through the dead bodies for ammo, and then tried to trade me for my power weapon. The nerve of this shithead.”
Although universally recognized as the savior of Earth, Mars, and an ancient people known as the Come-before-ers, Soldier X is almost never characterized as polite, friendly, or a pleasant person to be around in general.
“This dude, I swear, never takes off his helmet,” says frequent compatriot Cpl. Jackie Brentwood. “Who does that? I get they’re special-issue and all that, but like, I’m not gonna steal it. No one cares what you look like, you saved Earth. My theory is he keeps it on all the time so he doesn’t have to make eye contact with us when we talk. I’ve never seen him eat either. I’d say he should jump off a bridge if he wasn’t somehow immune to fall damage.”
Sources confirm that a typical radio interaction with Soldier X would involve Space Command giving him an order, him saying nothing, and Command sending another several messages in a row to know if he received the order, or was even alive. Even those closest to him shared similar feelings, his onboard AI describing him as “like talking to a wall.”
At press time, a new world-ending threat loomed over Earth, forcing Soldier X to face his enemies and his crippling social anxiety once more.
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Header image courtesy of 3D artist Tom Newbury.
