Shadowlands? More Like Bad-O-Lands: 3 Problems I’ve Decided I’m Going To Have With The New WoW Expansion

Every new World of Warcraft expansion promises to revitalize the age-old MMO, but Shadowlands is attempting to overhaul the game like we’ve never seen before. Unfortunately, now that Blizzard’s eighth expansion has been in closed alpha for almost two months, I’m about ready to call this one a failure. Here are three problems I’ve decided I’m going to have with Shadowlands.

1. Torghast, Tower of the Damned 

One of the expansion’s flagship features is Torghast, a procedurally generated roguelike-style dungeon for one to five players which goes on forever as long as you can stay alive. Don’t get me wrong, Torghast is a novel idea. But right now, some floors on the alpha have a guy that makes you move really slowly until you find and kill him, and that’s no good. Blizzard is also experimenting with putting soft timers on each floor to prevent players from taking a fifteen-minute break to make some fajitas and wait for cooldowns between every single fight. I want to make this perfectly clear: if I don’t have my fajita time when I’m running Torghast, you might as well toss out the entire feature.

2. New Customization Options

Another promise of Shadowlands is a long-awaited slew of updates to the game’s decade-old character creator. Alright Blizz, I see you. I think it’s pretty cool that night elves get to have leaves in their hair. But putting aside the fact that they’re going to let blood elves be black (I know, right?), letting me play as a troll with tan skin makes absolutely no sense. The Horde’s troll faction specifically consists of the Darkspear tribe, who are jungle trolls with teal skin. The troll starting zone makes this perfectly clear. What are you going to do, revamp the starting zone?

3. Revamped Starting Zone

The, uh… the new universal starting zone is called Exile’s Reach, and it will give new players a small introduction to the world of Azeroth. Okay, but existing players will still be allowed to start in their race’s normal starting zone, and being a sand troll in the Echo Isles doesn’t make a lick of goddamn sense and you know I’m right. Blizzard is also permanently setting the level cap back to sixty, which infuriates me because I have ten characters at level 120 and number go down.

All in all, Shadowlands is turning out to be a real pile of Shit-o-lands. Join us next week where we’ll attempt to predict the expansion after Shadowlands and what’s going to absolutely ruin it.

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