Riot Awards Security Representative ‘Zed’ With Brand New Fedora For Exceptional Performance

Following his deft handling of the fan project Chronoshift, the Riot security representative known only as “Zed” has reportedly received a brand new fedora, as well as a gift basket of awesome knives from the mall.

“He presented himself just as we wanted,” said head of Riot security Susan Alito. “We train all of our employees to approach informal cease-and-desists with all the smug bravado of an anime antihero. He used the exact number of quips and puns that we wanted, enough to let the world know that the Riot security team means business. Thanks for the interview, I wish I could say it was a pleasure.”

Alito is of course referring to Zed’s many puns and jabs during his Discord conversation with a here-unnamed developer of Chronoshift, an emulated version of “classic” League of Legends, reproducing the game as it was when it first launched in 2009. During this conversation, Zed now famously quipped, “you obviously put a lot of work into Chrono shift, but I assure you that the Chrono break is coming,” a real thing that was really said by a Riot employee and not editorialized for this satire article.

Following the verbal skirmish, Zed reportedly got out of his office swivel chair, put on a seven-foot leather trench coat from Savers, and decided to reward himself with a quick Beat Saber playthrough of the Attack on Titan theme song on normal difficulty.

Zed was given the fedora in a ceremony featuring CEOs Marc Merrill, Brandon Beck, and Zed’s sensei, whom he later slew in a duel. The fedora was decorated with art of Yasuo, Zed, and Kayn, the LoL champions Zed most closely associates himself with. Merrill even bestowed upon Zed one of the highest honors that Riot Games can give to an employee: he ceremoniously wafted over the fedora with Nag Champa incense, also purchased from the mall. Riot’s HR was not invited to the ceremony as they reportedly do not exist.

We reached out to Zed for comment, but we were told by his acolytes that he only speaks to the woman he loves, or the men he’s going to slay.

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