Review: New Gaming Chair Increases Graphics By Like 40

Holy fucking ass-balls. Are you hapless shitwits feasting your eyes this monstrosity? Shit’s been turned up into the fucking spirit realm.

Get those wallets out, lads. Now you can have all the stunning graphical quality of an expensive hoity-toity gaming rig for only a fraction of the cost of a PC, and many times the cost of an equally palatable chair.

I was just turning up to some Grand Theft Auto V, my glutes squared securely into the cavernous, gaping maw of my leather fortress of solitude, and I noted a performance increase of at least like, forty. A strong, coming-in-hot forty. Maybe even more? It’s not impossible. That’s science.

The textures? Oh, let me tell you about these fucking textures. When I planted my sweet, tasty booty cheeks inside God’s black and red leather pastures, I felt like every texture in the game had been replaced by the Mona Lisa in 4K. The models? They put actual living humans into this game, and made me their god. The render distance? The render distance was big as shit, my guy.

You might be wondering: did it have particle effects, though? I’m here to tell you right now: if you don’t bet your fucking life on that game having particle effects like mama’s home cooking, you literally deserve to be torn apart by a family of carefully malnourished bears.

All in all, probably not worth the price.