Report: PS5 Won’t Be Affordable Until You Can Buy One That’s Yellowed From Guy Who Smokes Indoors

The PlayStation 5 continues to be one of the hottest selling items on the market today. The already pricy console is being bought faster than it can be restocked on shelves, leaving scalpers to charge over $1,000 for the highly sought-after gaming machine. Now, you might be curious as to when a PS5 will be viable to purchase—not anytime soon, cheapskate. Not until it shows up on Facebook Marketplace from a guy with a Confederate flag as his profile picture.

Short of taking a second mortgage on your house, the following method will guarantee an affordable PS5. Granted, there are some pros and cons associated with this approach. Let’s start with the cons.

  • There probably won’t be any shipping options available, forcing you to physically drive to the location to pick up the console. Chances are, this location will be a mobile home with a 2002 Lincoln Blackwood sitting on cinder blocks in a dusty excuse of a yard.
  • You will be required to engage in a lengthy, monotonous conversation with the seller in his dingy living room/kitchen/taxidermy shop. Such topics of conversation will include how the seller peaked in high school and explaining he’s selling the console to maintain his hobby of playing the one-armed bandit while chain-smoking Marlboros with his free hand.
  • The heavily discounted price comes from the damage that the console has sustained over the years. First and foremost, clear out the abandoned rat’s nest that was formed during the PS5’s years collecting dust on the entertainment center next to the Jeff Foxworthy and Girls Gone Wild DVDs.
  • Even with the most thorough cleaning, every time the console is on, it will exude the smell of smoke and tar, making your gaming den’s scent reminiscent of a backwoods bowling alley.
  • By the time you buy this, most of the online servers for your favorite games will have been shut down or completely abandoned as everyone else has moved on to the next generation of consoles. Silver lining: this would make the Demon’s Souls remake a little easier without the risk of invasions.

Please don’t let this discourage you from purchasing the coveted console this way, as there are some positive aspects to consider. There might be a forgotten brick of cocaine left inside the console that you can sell to make a down payment on the PlayStation 7X-S.

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