Release-Heavy November Final Nail In Already Tenuous Relationship

“Man, we’re getting Red Dead on PC, Death Stranding, and Pokémon Sword and Shield this month?” says soon-to-be-bachelor Brian Kemmer. “I’m barely done with The Outer Worlds, and I’ve still got Luigi’s Mansion 3 just sitting there waiting to be played. This is going to be a hell of a good month!”

Elizabeth Jast, who was being actively ignored during the quote as above, has her own plans for a release in November – the release of Brian Kemmer, her current boyfriend, into the open dating market. 

“Look, I think we both know that the relationship has been on the ropes for a while now,” she tells Nerfwire in an odd piece of her personal life that she readily gave up to a gaming publication simply because they asked. “I hear him talking about all these games coming out next month, and I just know that it’s time to call it quits before all I hear about is banjos and Norman Reedus for the next four weeks.”

Brian, frantically trying to finish The Outer Worlds while bemoaning the fact that he isn’t able to romance any of the female companions in the game, seems oblivious to the irreparable rift growing between him and his partner. “Just waiting for her to head to Tanner’s house so that I can put this onto the big TV in the living room,” he says. “They’ve been hanging out a lot.”

“God, I’m just going to do it,” Elizabeth finishes while grabbing a weekend bag and glancing over at her soon-to-be-homeless boyfriend. As we watch, he exclaims, “Oh, shit, we’re getting Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020, too? Hon, do you think your brother will get it too?”