If you’re a real gamer, you’re already familiar with Hideo Kojima, game development auteur and Monster Energy spokesperson. You’re probably so familiar that you’ve probably already memorized and catalogued his ever-expanding list of kinks and fetishes, perhaps in some sort of notebook, or on your bathroom wall.
But for all those fake gamer girls out there looking to get up to speed, the Nerfwire editing staff has locked one of our writers in a room with nothing but a typewriter, a gallon of mescaline, and a mission: rank all the Metal Gear games by how well they incorporate Kojima’s fetishes.
10. Metal Gear Survive
Kojima didn’t even work on this game, so it sucks. It is a well-established fact that bad gameplay makes Kojima flaccid as hell, as do comprehensible storylines. The existence of this game is enough to make you despair, and then take another hit of that sweet, sweet mescaline.
Overall Rating: Konami Can Eat My Ass
9. Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes
Originally intended to be a portion of The Phantom Pain, conflict with Konami forced Kojima to release this game early as a teaser. While the actual gameplay itself is admittedly excellent, its short length prevents it from being placed higher on the list, even though it’s oozing with strong, girthy Kojima.
Overall Rating: Konami Can Eat My Whipped Cream-Covered Ass
8. Metal Gear + Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake
We didn’t play either of these games and neither did you, but they’re old as hell so how good could they be, am I right? The talking rainbow-flashing snake that is now my left arm agrees with me, and then asks for a cigar. Hot.
Overall Rating: Pixelated To Hide The Good Stuff
7. Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
There’s a dude in this game named Hot Coldman, who works for the CIA and wants to launch nuclear weapons at… something? It’s never really made clear, but it’s also not important. What is important is that there’s a sexy-ass doctor named Strangelove, and she gets brutally murdered by her husband. Nice. Sadly, this game was released for the PSP, but other than that, three throbbing thumbs up.
Overall Rating: Nuclear Missiles Are The Dildos Of God
6. Metal Gear Solid + Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
The OG in 3D, this game popularized the stealth-action genre with balls-to-the-wall action, and also a copious amount of amputation. We’re including both the original MGS and its remaster, Twin Snakes, in the same spot, though the remaster would probably get the edge due to some stellar voice acting. This game is also the first in the series to feature a sexy sniper, who blasts her hot bullets into Snake’s heaving body. Unfortunately she talks, so that’s a hard pass.
Overall Rating: Geriatric Amputees Are Hot Stuff
5. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
This game downplayed the stealth mechanics of MSG in exchange for amping up the action, but neither of those things matter. We’re all here to watch cyborg ninjas get brutally beaten within inches of their lives by mercenaries, giant robots, and US Senators. Sure, Raiden’s twinky vibe can’t compare to Snake’s bearish masculinity, but hey, at least we got to drool over the idea of surgically extracting orphan brains to insert into cybernetic killing machines. I’m drooling a lot right now. Like, way too much. I’d be worried, but Kojima told me that it’s fine, and also that he’ll be here very soon.
Overall Rating: Nanomachines, Daddy
4. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Picture this: The elderly. Physical and mental corruption. Bare-fisted fights to the death. Treason. A storyline so convoluted it would make James Joyce quit drinking and grab some of this mescaline man, just shove it into your fucking mouth, what’s the worst that can happen? Don’t you want to meet God? Plus, you read adult magazines to regain stamina. Our only complaint is that we never get to see Eva barefoot. Cockblocked.
Overall Rating: I’d Let Eva be My Big Mama (If You Know What I Mean)
3. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
The very title of this game is erotic. I climaxed in my pants just seeing it in the store. It was a mess. Cost me a fortune in dry cleaning, and yet I still love this goddamn game. The End is way sexier than that chatty sniper bitch ever was, and young Ocelot is a snack. Plus, you get to beat a beautiful woman to death after getting your eye ripped out of your skull by a crazy Soviet colonel with inexplicable lighting powers. The beautiful woman is a triple agent, and Eva, who is also there, is a double agent, and Chinese, even though she isn’t Chinese for some reason? It makes me want to shed a tear over my own grave, which I can do right now because time is a meaningless illusion and everything is oneness.
Overall Rating: Shagohod Makes Me Rock Hard
2. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
There is another man in this room with me. He calls himself the Liquid One. He has my face.
This mescaline isn’t doing shit.
Overall Rating: I Mean, What More Can Be Said?
1. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
I didn’t understand a single second of this game, but it doesn’t matter. You brainwash enemy soldiers. You yourself have been brainwashed. Ocelot has been brainwashed, and also tortures people. There’s a bigass robot that shoots nukes. There are parasites that turn people into zombies. The sexy sniper doesn’t talk. You don’t have an eye, or a hand, or a past. You can pet a dog, and then train it to kill. I am beyond Solid, beyond Liquid. I am the president of the United States. I think the mescaline is finally starting to kick in, and Kojima agrees.
Overall Rating: All in all, we give Metal Gear: Survive an eight out of ten. It has a little something for everyone!