Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon Way More Intense Than We Remember

When you think ‘nostalgic childhood games,’ and also weren’t poor growing up, three names stand out above the rest: Pajama Sam, Call of Duty, and Putt-Putt, that lovable purple car and canine slavemaster that provided so many hours of childhood diversion. However, after a remastered edition of Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon was released on Steam earlier this week, both fans and newcomers were surprised to discover that this game absolutely does not fuck around.

“I remembered the moon buggy, the fireworks accident, and collecting crystals,” writes ILoveTheLastJedi in his Metacritic review, after giving the game a mediocre ninety out of one hundred. “But I totally forgot about Pep’s constant suicide attempts, or Putt-Putt’s slow descent into madness after the hellish bloodbath taking place during the game’s third act. They probably just went over my head as a kid, but now as an adult, I relate completely.”

Footage of Putt-Putt weeping tears of blood as he contemplates the depths of vehicular despair went viral following the games digital re-release, drawing both praise and condemnation from the gaming community at large. While many applauded the willingness of publisher Humongous Entertainment to shake up the established formula by reimagining its protagonist as a depressed, diesel-huffing addict, others pointed out that the remastered graphics were, “Still pretty bad.”

“When I saw Cars 3: The Reckoning, I couldn’t help but feel something was… familiar,” remarked game reviewer “TheGameReviewer!” on his podcast Please Listen To My Podcast, I’m Begging You. “But when I replayed Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon, I realized that the whole euthanasia and eugenics debates Cars 3 sought to address had already been thoroughly examined in Putt-Putt. Also, both have talking cars.”

A newly-created petition, signed entirely by parents desperately looking for something to blame, condemns the game for containing themes, messages, and artistic statements. “How dare these HOLLYWOOD LIBERALS try to POISON the MINDS of MY CHILDREN,” asserted Phyllis Yelfmen, a fifty-six year old Kentucky resident who asked to remain anonymous. “Why should I have to PLAY THE GAME to make sure it’s SAFE for my KIDS? Keep it WHOLESOME, like CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY!”

The game’s sequel, Putt-Putt Goes to the Zoo, has garnered a slew of negative reviews after it’s own rushed re-release, prompted by the success of its predecessor: the attitude of the community was summed up by Steam user MegaMan63, who rated the game thumbs down and commented, “This is for fucking children.”

All in all, we give Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon an eight out of ten. It has a little something for everyone!