Pope Plays Doom; Declares It ‘Bitchin”

The Pope emerged from the Vatican today after many days of prayer, reflection, and high-octane demon ass-kicking to declare that the Catholic Church officially recognizes Doom (2016) as “bitchin’”.

Directly before the Pope gave his announcement, a High Cardinal told Nerfwire, “We haven’t seen him in days. It’s good to see him walking around again. I’d ask him for some guidance and he’d tell me he was busy doing “God’s work”. Which I guess is true because I can’t see God not being behind punching a guy who looks like Satan so hard in the face that he explodes.”

“I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and the level design was incredible,” the Pope said as he began his address. “Going forward, all hymns and worship music will be replaced with face-melting guitar solos, which will get more and more dope depending on what your kill multiplier is. I mean on what your… what your faith multiplier is.”

The popular revival’s most recent and final DLC, Bloodfall (or as Pope Francis referred to it, The New Testament) was also highly lauded in the Pope’s address, which was cut short after Pope Francis explained he “needs to go 100% this thing.”

Directly after his declaration the Pope was seen at a local Guitar Center pricing out a “guitar shaped like a cross, or something.”

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