Nintendo is scrambling today after releasing Pokemon Unite The Right, the first expansion to their new Pokemon MOBA title. The expansion features dozens of different far-right Pokemon uniting to protest the removal of a statue of Team Rocket’s Giovanni.
“Honestly, yeah, this is my first time seeing this sober and I’m starting to get what you mean,” says lead designer Haru Ito. “We did the classic thing where we work all day and go out and drink and do karaoke. Shit got pretty dark. One of the interns kept talking about some pretty objectionable theories about race and World War Two, but we were totally shitfaced, so we thought it was a great idea for a Pokemon expansion. We drank some more sake and knocked out this expansion in four hours. Honestly, if it wasn’t so horrible I would be proud of the polish we put on it while blind drunk.”
Some of the new hyper-conservative Pokemon in the expansion include StopTheStealix (a steel-type who wants to absolve former president Trump of any criminal wrongdoing), PsyOpsDuck (who believes that the government is controlling all of our brains through our drinking water), SlowProudBro (a militant and violent water/psychic type who once stuck a Shellder on his tail to own the libs), and finally, Nazi (a sloppily created National Socialist version of Magnetar that the developers clearly made when they ran out of steam with the others).
“The problem is that the characters are pretty great,” says Pokemon Unite player Walker N. Memphis. “Like they were really strong and most were pretty intuitive and easy to play, while also having pretty in-depth kits. It’s too bad that most of the voice lines are just alt-right dog whistles recorded by clearly inebriated Japanese men.”
Apparently not learning from Nintendo’s mistake, Atari responded by announcing QAnon*Bert.