In what has been classified as a “very delicate situation that may not come up again for quite some time,” boyfriends across the United States and beyond are forming strategies to use Pokemon’s new MOBA-like, Pokemon Unite, to ease them into the world of competitive League of Legends.
“I mean, I was able to get her into Pokemon Go, because it was fun to drive around and catch everything, back, what, was that already four years ago?” explains Mark Carrol, simultaneously displaying Pokemon Go’s ability to bring new players into the fold as well as time’s unstoppable march coming for us all. “And now, if I play my cards just right, in a few months I might be able to sit down and watch Worlds with her without her complaining that I’m being too loud late at night while I’m watching. I really can’t mess this up.”
A guide has already been constructed and is being shared among a network of excited but apprehensive boyfriends anticipating the game’s release. “Pokemon Unite will likely be a very bad game,” the guide states, directly after Chapter One: Don’t Oversell This, You Only Get One Shot, Just Play It Cool. “This is both an advantage and a disadvantage. We can only hope that the initial thrill of the combat is enough to leave them wanting more; upon reaching this stage, one can then transition the girlfriend into League of Legends, possibly by pretending that it is also a Pokemon game and that Volibear is a Pokemon.”
Although a guide may seem over the top to some, the guide’s creator, Alex Hyten, suggests that those who think that way aren’t considering the magnitude of the situation. “We only get one shot. You seriously think we’re not going to try and standardize this to capture as much success as possible? If one girlfriend gets into League of Legends, she could bring 3, maybe even more other girlfriends into the fold. Use the guide; we truly cannot mess this up.”
At press time, the nation’s girlfriends were claiming that Pokemon Unite looks “weird.”