Plot Of Hideo Kojima’s Autobiography Makes No Fucking Sense

The time is two o’clock in the morning. Andrew Reydolt, the ghostwriter for Hideo Kojima’s upcoming autobiography, stares at the wall. The working title, which changes from week to week, is written on a whiteboard. He wipes away Paradise: Distortion Flow from the board and replaces it with God in the Stitches. Sitting back down, he stares at the cryptic notes he’s been sent this week from the eccentric video game icon.

“Honestly, it’s not as if Metal Gear Solid, like, isn’t just three words strung together,” Reydolt begins before sucking down an entire cigarette so quickly that it crackles and pops. “But at this point, I’d settle for a simple title like Kojima: A Memoir, or something, and not this crazy horseshit. He wants me to write it in commandments as opposed to chapters, and he wants the entire thing to be indecipherable, with the only codex to solve it printed on the packaging that people throw away.”

When asking whether we could read the notes that Reydolt had been given this week, meant to steer him in one direction or another while writing the story of Kojima’s life, he gladly pitched it over, saying that we wouldn’t be able to read the notes if we weren’t familiar with the alphabet Kojima had created specifically for his correspondence with Reydolt.

“We have a deadline—I mean, this thing is supposed to go into print in like three weeks. And by print, I mean that he wants to handwrite each book personally. When I asked him how he intended to write, let’s be honest, a very long book, hundreds of thousands of times, he asked me to sum every chapter up into one letter to ‘save time.’ Actually, that’s when he invented the new alphabet.”

Reydolt was even generous enough to provide a copy of an early draft, which our reporters described as “clearly just a tablet of acid.”

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