Exciting news from the blockbuster horror franchise Outlast today, as developer Red Barrels announced that in the upcoming Outlast 3, your character is able to tell monsters to fuck right off. This is a substantial departure from previous entries, in which your character could only tremble in fear and get mollywhopped.
“Simply put, some of these monsters are straight-up assholes,” said lead developer Thomas Dratch. “In the previous games, they would beat the shit out of you, cut off your fingers, or possess you and make you kill American soldiers, the bravest soldiers out there if you believe country music. In this game, instead of adding combat or a way to deal with these monsters, we are giving your character something of a moral victory by allowing you to tell monsters to shove it up their ass and go fuck themselves. They’ll still kill you, but they’ll feel slightly worse as they do it.”
Dratch went on to explain that you can give the monsters a pressed ham under glass after you make a close escape from them into a glass elevator. Similar developments are happening across the horror gaming world: in the new Amnesia game, you can give a monster the finger and tell them that you fucked their mom, and in the sequel to Soma, you’ll be able to tell existential dread to suck your cock.
“These fucking things are going to kill me!” shrieks terrified Outlast 3 protagonist Jeremy Nadehoff, a lawyer investigating corruption at a shady company in the middle of nowhere. “I never knew that Kachenko Laboratories was going to be into such evil things, but here I am, trapped in their research facility for the last six hours! I got really pissed at these monsters after one of them clawed my calf muscle off and I had to crawl into an air vent to get away. Next time I see one of those bastards, I’ll tell them to eat shit and die. Also, fuck me, please bring me to a hospital.”
Following this trend, Nintendo confirmed that in the new Mario game, Mario can mime blowing a dude to Bowser.