Oscar Producers Devastated That Something Interesting Happened During Broadcast

Oscars producers are scrambling after something interesting actually happened during the ceremony for once. The brief altercation between the guy from Independence Day and the zebra from Madagascar was riveting television, something the Oscars have been committed to avoiding for over a decade.

“We condemn this disgraceful and captivating event,” said Oscars producer Will Packer. “When you have celebrities attacking each other like an 18th-century pistol duel instead of dry banter, things have a tendency to not be super fucking boring. That is not what the Oscars strive to achieve. Why do you think we’re nominating dogshit nobody’s heard of? To make you feel smart? We were incredibly disappointed when most of the world only learned that the Oscars were even happening because of Hitch slapping the narrator of Everybody Hates Chris.”

The Academy considered taking away Will Smith’s Best Actor award for assaulting a presenter, but then decided that it would be far too dramatic and newsworthy, ultimately choosing to award him the honor regardless.

“I’m not upset about the slap itself,” said comedian and last remaining GI Jane enthusiast Chris Rock. “I can excuse a little violence, but making the Oscars enjoyable is where I draw the line. What hurt even more than Will Smith’s hand was the realization that there was no way something this exciting was preplanned. The crew was going nuts when I got backstage. They had to air all of the sound mixing awards back-to-back just for damage control.”

One Oscar insider had this to say: “If we wanted the Oscars to be must-see TV, do you think we would’ve gotten Amy Schumer to host them?”

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