Opinion: When I Say All Cops Are Bastards, That Includes Chip ‘n Dale’s Rescue Rangers

Sometimes, some crimes go slipping through the cracks. We all get it. There’s injustice in this world. But this injustice is perpetrated by officers of all kinds, and we need to address the annoying flying bug in the room: the Rescue Rangers are bastards and need to be abolished.

First off, there’s Chip. Sure, he appears cool, calm, and collected, but those are the ones you need to look out for. He’s what’s wrong with the system: follows the book but never questions if the rules in place actually benefit the communities he helps.

Secondly, Dale. The wild one, always up to hijinks. Those are the ones you need to look out for. The kind of guy who thinks that, just because of his title, he can bend the rules as long as “the right ones are put away.”

Think back to all the chaos and tomfoolery we saw over the years. First off, they never produced a badge the entire time. You know who else never showed their badges? The cops patrolling Black Lives Matter protests and countless other demands for justice. Second, they broke the law in every single episode! Look how many times they just sauntered in wherever they pleased without a warrant, sometimes breaking in by having Monterey Jack get all horny over cheese. Just because they’re tiny rodents doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held to the same standards as other officers.

They need defunding, and they need it now, but instead, they’re trying to distract us with celebrity PR. They have a movie with Andy Samberg, the star of copaganda show Brooklyn 99, for crying out loud! Imagine if, instead of funding a Disney+ movie, that money went to local animal shelters. Maybe Fat Cat could have had a different upbringing instead of what he went through: constantly being profiled as a tabby.

Chip and Dale should’ve been locked up by animal control a long time ago. In a perfect world, they would’ve been tested for rabies and put down instead of getting a weirdly meta new movie about the differences between 2D and 3D animation except it only uses 3D animation for some reason. But I guess true justice is too much to ask for.

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