The canon of English literature hasn’t changed much in the past century. While there have been some minor additions, many of the same works have been shoved onto the plates of haggard students who are tired of reading something about another war or some noble’s tryst. In order to keep English education current and interesting, I insist that my Wario x Luigi fanfiction becomes required reading for public schools all across America.
Despite being one of the most popular fictional characters of all time, there isn’t a single piece of literature taught in our nation’s schools that features Mario, or any of his other ostensibly Italian compatriots. Beyond that, there are next to no books in our school’s curriculums that deal with homosexuality in any meaningful manner. My Wario x Luigi fanfiction contains both Mario extended universe characters and ample descriptions of what it’s like to be gay in the Mushroom Kingdom (spoiler alert: it isn’t pretty).
This fanfiction, entitled Would You Like Some Garlic On Your Mushrooms?, will be a fantastic part of any teaching curriculum. It dovetails perfectly with any discussions a class might be having about books like Lord of the Flies, A Catcher in the Rye, and Canterbury Tales. There’s a scene in this fanfiction that will surely become just as iconic of a moment as Daisy throwing her shirts all over Gatsby’s room, or when Gene jounces Finny off of that tree branch. In Volume IV of WYLSGOYM?, Luigi experiences violent anaphylactic shock when he accidentally eats some peanuts. Besides the beautiful prose and medically exact descriptions of anaphylaxis, the real kicker comes when Wario isn’t allowed to visit Luigi in the hospital because gay marriage isn’t legalized in the Mushroom Kingdom. The second any students read this in the classroom, they won’t be able to forget it.
There are next to no reasons that my Wario/Luigi fanfiction shouldn’t be assigned reading for every eighth-grader across the United States. There are no slurs besides the ones that apply to Italians, and it’s written at an eighth-grade level because that’s when I dropped out. I have already purchased the aid of several robocalling networks to pester each and every one of our elected officials (at the local, state, and federal levels).
So, school superintendents, if you’ve made it this far into the article: consider adding Would You Like Some Garlic On Your Mushrooms? to your reading curriculum. At least replace The Grapes of Wrath.