Opinion: I Actually Did Fuck Your Mom Last Night, We Are In Love And Will Get Married, Also She Sucked My Balls, Please Drive The Warthog So I Can Capture This Flag

Hey kid, why don’t you shut the fuck up? I can hear you talking shit to me on that three-dollar microphone. But guess what? I fucked your mom last night. We are in love. We will spend the rest of our lives together and I will help to raise you since your father passed away in that tragic speedboat accident. After I told her that, she totally sucked my salty balls kid. Now please come pick me up in the Warthog, I am sick of walking so slow with this damn flag, and if we are trying to win, we need to work together, like your mom and I worked together to simultaneously eat each other’s assholes out. That’s called a brown 69.

When I first met your whore mother, it was love at first sight. Watch out, they have the Spartan Laser. We laughed for hours, spent a wonderful evening together, and then I totally busted all over her face while you slept in the other room. We had a magical time, and she did things with me that she would never do with your dad, ah fuck this guy’s got overshield, can someone fucking help me out here? Anyway, yeah, your mom loves the weird shit.

I know this might be a hard time to learn this, twelve minutes into a game of Capture the Flag on Valhalla, while I blast Linkin Park audibly in the background and make an effort to smoke this bowl as conspicuously as possible, but when would there be a better time to announce one of the most beautiful loves that this world has ever seen? When I see her, my heart flutters and my head feels light. And then she totally slobbers all over my nuts and I pull her hair, and then she makes you breakfast.

I’m not sure I would have fucked her if I knew her son played as an Elite though.

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