Opinion: Goku Was American Because He Almost Died Of Untreated Heart Disease

It’s time to wake up and face the music. Goku, the hero of the Dragon Ball series, is clearly and inarguably American. There are many signs pointing to this conclusion, but the most damning is the fact that he very nearly died from untreated heart disease.

Goku is frequently shown eating amounts of food that are ridiculously and frankly suicidally unhealthy. In one episode, he caught a dinosaur, roasted it, and ate it like a chicken. This thing must have been four times his body weight. The only other time I ever saw anything like that was at a Golden Corral in Newark, New Jersey, where a man ate two consecutive trays of mac and cheese followed by a plate of sweet rolls. I assume he left afterward to either do battle with Piccolo or immediately check himself into the hospital for coronary distress, which would obviously bankrupt him.

Goku does not have health insurance. His main method of healthcare is either eating magical beans, having his wife put a hot water bottle on his head, or having his rich friend bankroll the doctors. These are also the top three most common healthcare methods in the United States, the fourth being witchcraft, which Goku probably also used at some point.

Heart disease is by far the most American disease. We die from it every day, and Goku was so leveled from it that he almost lost to Cell and sent the world into a dark age. His cholesterol was literally more damaging to him than a Kamehameha attack. If anything is more representative of the red, white, and blue than that, I haven’t heard it. Goku was as American as apple pie and the heart attacks those pies cause.

The only other argument I’ll accept is that Goku is Italian because he constantly beats his son and cannot drive.

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