Op-Ed: Nathan Drake Can Get It

Throughout the years, mankind has struggled to do many things: curing diseases, advancing technology, and exploring the unknown. Amongst all of this, however, there’s one thing we have achieved more perfectly than anything else: the creation of sexy video game characters. No matter where you look, you can find amazingly crafted characters from the big breasted heroines of Riot’s League of Legends, to the mysterious, ridiculously ripped men of Overwatch. No one can disagree with the advancements we’ve made, comparing 1996 pyramid-tiddy Lara Croft to 2013 pixel-less Lara is one of the greatest glow-ups since that buck-toothed Harry Potter character, John Oliver Neville Longbottom.

The pinnacle of this is none other than the chiseled and rugged Adonis himself, Nathan Drake. Everything from his sly smirk to his perfectly quaffed hair is expertly crafted with the intention of driving the masses wild in a chorus of orgasms only by his existence on our mortal plane. Not even the most dangerous of adventures can affect his looks: his hair held perfectly in place even in the face of hurricane-force winds, or bullets. His steely gaze contains such raw, alluring power that any men whose eyes meet his are taken over by feelings of intense desire, only urged onward by their lustful whispers of “no homo, bro, but…”

I’m no exception. Every day I wake up and find myself staring at my PlayStation 4, licking my lips, only wanting Nathan Drake to explore the uncharted parts of my territory. It’s begun to take over every waking moment of my life, my lust for Nathan Drake causing me to miss shifts at work, and break up with my girlfriend of many many years. They say “your body is a temple”, and I want Nathan Drake to ransack that temple and loot my priceless artifacts.

What? No, I’m not gay, I just really appreciate the character of Nathan Drake. He’s a cool dude. Plus I’d let him rail the fuck outta me.