Part of growing up and learning history is realizing that your country’s heroes are not nearly as perfect as you were taught. Unfortunately, it is our sorry duty to inform you that, according to newly unearthed records, former US president John F. Kennedy was not so great after all: he was terrible at Minecraft. It may be unfair to judge figures of the past with modern values, but some crimes can never be forgiven.
“It’s something that has always been a bit of a dark secret,” says University of Virginia professor of American History Sean Lee. “Everyone has their demons. Wilson was a racist, Jefferson owned slaves, and JFK could barely build the most basic house in Minecraft. We even have handwritten notes from him to his wife detailing how scared he was of ever having to go into the Nether. Clearly not the hallmarks of a capable leader.”
Kennedy, the 35th US president, was known to have recorded all conversations in the Oval Office, giving historians a unique perspective on the man. Newly released tapes show just how out of his depth Kennedy was when faced with Minecraft. We warn you the following transcript of Kennedy playing the game is not for the faint of heart.
JFK: I’m not sure I understand, do I just punch the trees to get wood? How does me punching it affect the [unintelligible] and then I make an axe?
Sec. of Defense Robert McNamara: That is correct sir, you can use it to chop down trees more quickly.
JFK: This goddamned thing is impossible. How do I even [create a bucket to get] lava?
Attorney General Bobby Kennedy: Arrange it like a V, Jack.
Paul D. Adams, US Strike Command: As I was saying, Fidel Castro…
Disgusting. To think that a man that we thought was so enlightened and intelligent could display such hateful ignorance to Minecraft. Maybe if Mr. Kennedy had spent more time practicing Minecraft and less time messing around with Cuba, things might have turned out better for him.
[Editor’s note: Following publication, Professor Lee contacted us with an additional shocking discovery, that the F in JFK did not stand for Fitzgerald, as previously believed, but rather Fortnite. Exposé to follow.]
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