‘No Two Games Are Alike’ Says Player Queueing For Same Map 3,000th Time In A Row

“Yeah, I still remember my first game of League of Legends,” says local gamer Aaron Belker. “The graphics weren’t nearly what they are now, of course, but I remember looking at those three lanes and just seeing the infinite possibility there. I mean, no two games are alike, besides the exact progression of every game and the necessity of playing characters that are strong in the meta that month. Oh, and Brand. There’s always a Brand.”

Riot Games endeavors to keep League of Legends fresh as best they can through a host of different methods: regularly adding new champions, switching out game modes, and regulating the toxicity of the community just enough to make you want to finish a game just to stick it to those fucking assholes.

Belker, who boasts about 1,000 wins and a number of losses we have chosen not to include (2,436), doesn’t see himself stopping any time soon. “Working my way to Gold at the moment. Really thinking I’ll make it this season,” he lied. “Really versatile game—I don’t get all of the criticisms calling it repetitive and monotonous. Remember when they added plants? There are plants now.”

The criticisms that Belker was referring to were made by himself, several weeks before our interview.

Aaron estimates that he’s easily played tens of thousands of hours of League of Legends. “I’ve seen more minions die than I’ve taken breaths, and I’ve never felt a thing,” he told us. “But when your dumbass AD carry dives Malphite under tower and you’re able to get him out of there with that sweet Thresh lantern, there’s absolutely nothing better. That has happened to me literally hundreds of times. All the other times I’ve been playing Brand, and I just have to watch him die, and that’s pretty good too.”

“Also, I feel like people don’t give Riot—and specifically CertainlyT—enough credit for making the game absolutely unplayable every couple of months just to keep things fresh. Don’t even get me started on the balance team! For weeks we all cried for Irelia nerfs, and finally, they descended from the heavens to nerf that bitch’s base movespeed by five. Thankfully, no matter if I lose to Irelia mid, jungle, top, ADC, support, or wide receiver, I’ll know that it’s my own fault.”

Shortly after the interview, Aaron was seen guzzling a handle of vodka, mumbling something about how Clash will work this time for sure.