Nintendo Switch Begins New Life Of Slowly Draining and Recharging Battery

A Nintendo Switch was docked for the last time today after local gamer and new enemy of the state of Japan Barry Palmer discovered that he could emulate almost any Switch game on his PC in 4K.  The Switch console, which Nerfwire will refer to by the last four digits of its serial number, 4668, will now begin a process in which it continually charges and uncharges its battery as Palmer borrows the USB-C charger from the console’s dock until it eventually no longer functions.

“I sure am excited to play the new Breath of the Wild,” the anthropomorphized version of 4668 thought as it was dropped haphazardly into its dock. “I wonder why Barry needed me to dump all of those key files. Probably nothing.” At this time, Palmer was starting a new Breath of the Wild run as Franklin from Grand Theft Auto V.

“It’s a real shame, and the eventual fate of Switch consoles all over the world,” says console restorer and guy who is weirdly sentimental about technology Harvey Barrenstein. “It would be better if these poor things were just tossed in a drawer somewhere, and not power cycled into oblivion over the span of four years and then thrown away when a nephew tries to turn them on only to find them completely dead.”

When asked for comment on their opinion of 4668’s fate, Nintendo of America responded by sending a private military force to Palmer’s address to persecute him for emulating their intellectual property. Palmer’s whereabouts are not currently known, and his family is speaking to an attorney about his extradition rights. Nerfwire would like to apologize for providing his address to Nintendo’s legal team.

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