New Study Finds That Female Gamers Prefer Teammates Who Are Not Currently Masturbating

A shocking new study, published in MIT’s quarterly Gaming Psychology Research Journal, reveals that an overwhelming percentage of female gamers prefer when their male teammates are not masturbating to the sound of their voices, or indeed, any aspect of their existence whatsoever.

The study, which collected responses from over five thousand women, was conducted by a team of renowned gaming researchers utilizing the website Surveymonkey. Analysis of the acquired data, commonly referred to as “spanking the [survey]monkey,” was performed over a final three-month period by lead researcher, Dr. Marcus Vagisson, who detailed the team’s findings in his final report, entitled “Femoid and Accreted Phenotype Responses to Digital Autosexual Behavior” (FAPRDAB).

As part of this data analysis, respondents were meticulously sorted into “strata” based on demographics such as race, sexual orientation, political leaning, ability to name five Batman villains other than Harley Quinn or the Joker, and CS:GO ranking. Dr. Vagisson notes that the standard deviation between these strata was unusually small—less than half a percent. 99.3% of all women described themselves as “extremely uncomfortable” with the idea that they were the immediate object of their male teammates sexual fantasies, and a further 87.8% remained uncomfortable even when teammates switched off their mics before slamming the sausage.

Though the source of this discomfort remains a mystery, the discussion segment of FAPRDAB proposes an evolutionary-based explanation. (Females clearly prefer mating with high-ELO men as opposed to low-ELO men, and performance in most games markedly improves when playing with two hands.) However, as the level of female disgust remained unchanged even in situations where the crank-yanking gamers topped the leaderboards, Dr. Vagisson proposes that this aversion is due primarily to social factors.

“While men are taught from birth that their sexuality is something to be expressed and explored, often uncomfortably loudly, women are socialized to remain chaste,” explains the respected doctor while idly toying with a large bottle of lotion. “This is why I, as well as many members of our research teams, are still virgins. If we encourage these women to give nice guys a chance, then maybe the world wouldn’t be in the deplorable state that it’s in. What were we talking about again?”

However, not everyone is so considerate and understanding with regards to the fairer sex. In the Reddit thread discussing the study, commenter LizardMilkinIncel expressed his outrage in what others referred to as a “knee-jerking-it” reaction; unfortunately, all responses in the thread have been deleted by the r/Science mods. We can, however, surmise from his post history that he probably blamed feminism.

Mens’ responses, meanwhile, indicated that while the majority of male gamers would not stop flogging logs to “feminine” usernames, they would from now on inform these women that this in no way indicated a lack of respect on their part; if anything, it should be taken as a compliment. In addition, men expressed that if any women are uncomfortable with this treatment, the option to pretend to be a man should be freely available to any and all female gamers. A petition to equip popular games like Overwatch and League of Legends voice chats with voice modulation settings has already acquired almost three hundred signatures, with the caveat that any woman caught actually using this feature will be inundated with harassment and threats of serious violence. Meanwhile, another petition to “make me a sandwich” has acquired over five thousand signatures. Truly, we live in an unprecedented age of progress and acceptance.

Every woman on the planet, when asked to comment on this issue, just stared ahead blankly—as if they were trapped in an eternal nightmare from which they could never awake.