New PUBG Patch Fixes Server Issues And This Is A Satire Article

“We’re acutely aware of the netcode problems and the adverse effect they’ve had on gameplay,” PUBG devs wrote at the beginning of the patch notes for the popular battle royale’s recent update. “Lag and connectivity have been a persistent cause of frustration that we’ve been doggedly working to fix. We’re very happy to announce that we’re finally confident enough to implement a netcode overhaul that will have an incredibly positive oh my god I can’t even keep a straight face. The article isn’t even real and I can’t get it out.”

Pushed out on whatever day we feel like telling you, because the very premise of this clearly fictional article is absurdly positioned to comment humorously on the state of a multimillion dollar franchise’s unacceptable basic coding framework, the update is supposed to fix almost every problem that the PUBG fanbase has regarding the game’s servers and rubber banding.

“It was really hard for us to keep this in our back pocket for so long,” says name that we selected randomly off of Twitter, one of the main programmers at PUBG Corp. “The game looks better than it ever has. We’ve updated optimization for low-end systems as well, ensuring that we provide the best possible experience for our players. We’ve all had big smiles on our faces all day knowing that we are very good game developers.”

The reception to the patch, which in our imaginary parody universe was not yet another dump of half-baked cash-grab cosmetic items but instead a noticeable and positive change to the game’s experience, has been far from mixed. “Finally,” says a username that we took from Shroud’s chat on Twitch. “PUBG is starting to catch up.”

As always, there were some with complaints: mainly those who have been asking, constantly, for leopard skin parachutes. However, as PUBG Corp told Nerfwire, “[PUBG] already has a thirty dollar price tag. We’re not just going to add price walls to our cosmetic items. We want to preserve the integrity of our game. We aren’t sell-outs.”

Man, this hurt to write.