New Kickstarter Game Titled “Absolute Trash” Somehow Underdelivers

Gamers across the country are coming together to protest Absolute Trash, a newly released title from indie developer Protosquid. The game was funded by a massive Kickstarter campaign, and though the final donation tally had more than doubled the developers’ stretch goal, they fucked it all up anyway.

“We gave them over $700,000 to make a pixelated 2D sidescroller whose main character was just an angry pile of garbage,” said one protestor. “It sounded fucking amazing.”

Protosquid promised to deliver a Contra-style arcade shooter game with innovative character creation, expansive RPG elements, and multiple romanceable side characters, but none of those promises were fulfilled in the product they released. In fact, their project bore no resemblance to what they originally advertised.

“It’s Pong. It’s just fucking Pong,” said one of the protest ringleaders. “You thought we weren’t going to recognize Pong? It’s fucking Pong! At first, I actually thought it was a brilliant move on their part. I love indie games because they satisfy my nostalgia for the shitty games of my childhood. But somehow, they programmed the game to be CPU intensive beyond anything I’d ever seen. I have a liquid cooling system in my rig, and my motherboard literally melted after ten minutes of play. Although… they actually did a pretty good job with the romanceable characters.”

“I’m gonna level with you guys,” said Greg Banderweis, Protosquid’s head of design. “We put Absolute Trash up on Kickstarter as a joke, and we had no way to deliver any of that shit. We’re just a couple dudes. We don’t have any of the knowledge about programming, marketing, or finance you need to actually run a successful game studio. So we just rolled with it, watched some YouTube tutorials, and pumped this baby out to see how far we could take the prank. The results are beyond anything we ever imagined, and we’re all truly proud of our work.”

When reached for comment, Kickstarter described Absolute Trash as “one of our more successful campaigns.”