Great news for game accessibility today as Microsoft revealed a new handicap-accessible joystick that only requires direct insertion into the anus! The new joystick, which comes in different sizes for different experience levels, will allow differently-abled gamers to play any game they want, as long as they have an appropriate amount of lubricant.
“The anus interior actually has a lot more power than we give it credit for,” says lead developer of the ButtPad, Dr. Jeremy Penn. “You see, when you think of moving, your brain sends tiny, imperceptible signals to your body, but not only your legs or your hands get them—your entire body does. That’s why, when we stick this joystick up your bunger, it’ll be able to detect the tiniest of muscle spasms and reflect those movements on-screen!”
Penn goes on to confirm that the controller also has rumbling functionality, but you should only turn that on “if you want to have a great time.” He then slyly winked.
“You can definitely feel that thing go up your asshole,” says paraplegic gamer Conrad Santana. “I haven’t felt a sensation below my waist in thirteen years, but for some reason, I can very much feel every inch of this joystick slide into my rectum. I wouldn’t say it’s unpleasant, but the first time, I definitely did not like it. The next three times, I probably liked it too much. By the fifth time, I decided to actually try playing a video game with it, but honestly, it wasn’t as fun as just using the controller.”
While the ButtPad is designed to provide access to all people, developers also warned that you definitely have to be eighteen or older to purchase it.