Nerfwire Game Awards 2021

It’s that time of year again—a time for us to reflect on the gaming greats of the last year and to highlight remarkable gaming experiences, as well as the other 364 days worth of sorrow and despair. Please join us as we run through the categories, and because it didn’t win anything this year, the Nerfwire team would like to remind our community that Genshin Impact is a bad game.

Best Villain

  • Escharum – Halo Infinite
  • Julianna Blake – Deathloop
  • Bobby Kotick – Unionization Simulator
  • Dr. Nefarious – Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart

2021 was a great year for villainy in gaming, and this year’s best villain wasn’t easy to choose. You could have the imposing elder Brute, Escharum, the frequently hilarious and temporally immortal Julianna Blake of Deathloop, the misogynistic enabler and PR disaster Bobby Kotick, or the perennial archnemesis of Ratchet and Clank, Dr. Nefarious. While Julianna and Dr. Nefarious were relatively lighthearted and comical, Escharum and Kotick both offered a terrifying villain who, despite their advanced ages and comically wide heads, worked to set humanity back as much as possible. The choice was not easy.

Winner: Bobby Kotick

Kotick was a villain who came across as particularly menacing because he really seemed like he could happen in real life. He’s a man who consistently ignores his employees’ reports of sexual harassment while simultaneously removing anything remotely sexual from the low-quality media he releases as video games. The most famous example comes from a painting of a woman being replaced by a bowl of fruit, but the joke is on them—we have a fetish for fruit, and will not stop drawing WoW fruit futa doujin even if you send a thousand cease-and-desists.

Most Compared to Breath of the Wild

  • Halo Infinite
  • Sonic Frontiers
  • Genshin Impact
  • Pokemon Legends: Arceus

2017’s The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild had a huge impact on how we think about video games. The nuance of how games influence one another may seem like an indecipherable mess to the knuckle-dragging smooth-brains of your preferred discussion forum, but luckily, Nerfwire is here to obfuscate the topic even further. Is there a middle ground between “this is a blatant BotW ripoff” and “BotW didn’t invent grass”? In theory, we could separate the wheat from the chaff and discuss the topic with clarity, detail, and precision, but that probably wouldn’t be as fun as just giving out an award.

Winner: Sonic Frontiers

The recently announced Sonic Frontiers has gamers racing at supersonic speeds to explain to each other what trees really look like, but what really sets this game apart is how seamlessly it intersects two classic subjects of argument. Not only can you trill about whether Sonic Frontiers is inspired by Breath of the Wild, but you can also tie that back into whether the Sonic franchise was ever good in 3D, and just like that, you’ve got a hit tweet on your hands. Frontiers did all of this without even being released, which is what makes it the greatest BotW comparison bait we’ve seen yet. If the past four years were any indication, however, there is still greater bait beyond the green, mountainous horizon.

Weirdest Arcane Crossover

  • PUBG Mobile
  • Magic: The Gathering
  • Among Us
  • Fortnite

Riot Games promoted Arcane so aggressively that your dog knows about it. You’d think it would be enough to put commercials on the Burj Khalifa, but of course, you’d be wrong. Riot also had to create crossovers for every video game—except PUBG, of course, as that crossover was only available on the mobile version. What a coincidence: the show that dethroned Squid Game as Netflix’s hottest series is also a scathing critique of wealth inequality, and just like Squid Game, Arcane has also been dumbed down and commodified by the soulless capitalist profit machine it was criticizing. Vi is so fucking hot.

Winner: The Hardee’s Arabia Arcane Meal

The existence of a Hardee’s Arcane Meal is pretty weird on its own, albeit probably delicious. It doesn’t really have anything to do with Arcane, save for the fact that they give you a sticker. But what’s really strange about this crossover is that it’s only available in the Middle East, as if we here in God’s green America wouldn’t jump at the chance to buy a sandwich just because of its association with our favorite characters. If anything, the idea seems tailor-made for the purple mountain majesties. We hope you enjoy the meal, Arabian Arcane fans. We wish we could. At least we’ve got Carl’s Jr., though, you fucks.

Biggest Whore in the Universe

  • My ex-girlfriend Jessica
  • My horrible former girlfriend Jessica
  • Jessica, a woman I used to be intimate with
  • Jessica Uldrige

How is this related to video games, you ask? Funny story: as it turns out, this writer’s video game addiction led his girlfriend to seek a more attentive lover, and thus, the first edition of this award will be given to the absolute biggest whore in the universe. The recipient is someone who really will take your heart, chew it up, and spit it out, all because you just had to 100% Breath of the Wild on a second save slot. A woman who would declare her love for you over Discord, since that’s the only place you’re generally accessible, while being railed by Tommy, using the push-to-talk button masterfully around her moans of ecstasy as he satisfied her in a way you never could. Although, unlike him, you did unlock every Spartan upgrade in Halo Infinite, so at the end of the day, it’s about even.

Winner: Jessica Uldridge

[Editor’s Note: For this second paragraph, the writer of this category simply submitted a crumpled piece of paper with the words, “Jessica I am so [illegible] that I got all the missile pods in Metroid Dread.” Due to a contractual obligation with the writer (call the police), we have no choice but to publish his year-end awards piece, though we do not endorse his views and apologize for any offense they may have caused (please call the police).]

Game That Makes You Feel like Batman

  • Psychonauts 2
  • Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Forza Horizon 5
  • Deathloop

Every major studio has been trying to one-up the Arkham games since their release, trying to make their players truly feel like Batman. Unfortunately, in a year without any major Batman-themed releases, the pickings for this typically cut-and-dry category were rather slim. Batman has mental issues, so Psychonauts 2 sort of hits that. He’s a comic book character with a frequently irritating voice actor, so Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy checks both of those boxes. He drives a cool car, like in Forza Horizon 5, and he has also probably been in a time loop at some point in the comics, like in Deathloop. We never really bothered to double-check that last one. Yeah, we kinda phoned this in.

Winner: Parent Murder Simulator

This game really blew us away, but not as much as it blows away your virtually rendered parents. Simply insert your parents’ DNA, photograph, age, social security number, and a sample of their dreams—the game will render them digitally in front of your eyes, and subsequently murder them. It really makes you feel like Batman.

Easiest Character to Find Porn Of

  • Lady Dimitrescu – Resident Evil Village
  • D.Va – Overwatch
  • 2B – Nier: Automata
  • Gothfield – The sick depths of the internet

Listen: we’ve all had that moment when you’re casually scrolling through your favorite gaming subreddit when suddenly, a fictional being of pure, unearthly beauty appears on your screen. And in your overwhelming admiration of this newfound love, one thought arises, overwhelming any other ideas floating in your mind: “I’ve got to see this character doing the fuck.” After multiple hours of personal research, data analysis, and finally convincing the Nerfwire staff to post my results, here is the list of top characters that I was able to fulfill my primal desires in the quickest, easiest manner possible.

Winner: 2B

With a total time from search bar to smut site of 1.93 seconds, it’s simple semantics as to why this little android lady wiped out her competition. Her name is two characters long, a highly efficient two keyboard taps away from a plethora of images ranging from the highest quality SMF gifs to the most rushed MS Paint trace jobs. To note, my personal preference is Lady Dimitrescu, but her weird French-ass name is difficult to type when one is in a hormone- and caffeine-fueled fugue state.

Best Game Based on Zodiac Sign

  • Call of Duty: Vanguard – Scorpio
  • Metroid Dread – Libra
  • Guilty Gear Strive – Gemini
  • Loop Hero – Pisces

Literally everyone uses the same metrics to judge the pieces of art we call video games. Graphics. Gameplay. Barely functioning online multiplayer locked behind a paywall. But is that really what makes a game? We can’t trust online critics and game journalists when they use such shallow standards. So we here at Nerfwire rely solely on the most steadfast and reliable source for our judgement of a game: the daily horoscope. What astrological sign a game was released under may shed more light than one would initially think.

Winner: Metroid Dread

Reading today’s horoscope from the Washington Post, “Adventure is in your future. Through steady progression, you will find what you have been looking for.” And nothing sounds like a more perfect match for this reading than the quintessential action-adventure Metroidvania. The free-spirited and friendly nature of Libras who fixate on harmony, love, and beauty is an apt fit for a video game called Metroid Dread. The explorative nature of this game compels the player to find what they really want in life, whether it be happiness, peace, or that last energy tank hidden in the ceiling. Allow this game to dissipate the negative chi that surrounds you, much as Samus Aran used the Omega Stream to obliterate those EMMIs. This humble Nerfwire writer believes Metroid Dread deserves to be awarded Game of the Year, but unfortunately, my opinion is biased due to a clear conflict of interest: I’m a Leo, so of course I like this game. Also, sixty fucking dollars?

Honorable Mentions

Game that Made the Internet Horniest

  • Resident Evil Village
  • Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
  • Deltarune: Chapter 2
  • Vi from Arcane
Winner: Vi from Arcane

Best Ugly Game

  • Cruelty Squad
  • Five Nights at Freddy’s: Security Breach
  • Valheim
  • Inscryption
Winner: Cruelty Squad

Best Game that Begins with “Custer’s” and Ends with “Revenge”

  • Custer’s Revenge
  • Custer’s Revenge
  • Custer’s Revenge
  • Custer’s Revenge
Winner: Shin Megami Tensei V

Best MMO from a Company that Doesn’t Have an Ongoing Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

  • New World
  • Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker
  • The Elder Scrolls Online
  • World of Warcraft (private fanmade servers)
Winner: World of Warcraft (private fanmade servers)

Biggest Disappointment that the Game Title isn’t a Sex Act

  • Deathloop
  • Hitman 3
  • Cruelty Squad
  • Back 4 Blood
Winner: Shin Megami Tensei V

That’s it for this year’s Nerfwire Game Awards. We’re looking forward to next year also being really bad. If the going gets tough, always remember: there are many great games in the works, and many terrible ones too, and isn’t that worth living for? You can play Custer’s Revenge anytime you want. Thanks for reading Nerfwire.

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