Sad news from the 2D world today as the unliberated Mrs. Pac-Man is stuck at home making pellets for her hardworking husband. The almost complete circle, whose only defining characteristics are her bow and lipstick, spends all day at home raising the Pac-Children and masturbating while smoking and thinking about the dreams she used to have.
“Packy has some hard days at the ghost killing and evasion maze,” says Mrs. Pac-Man through quiet, thinly veiled despair. “He does very important work. If he didn’t go out there and eat all of those pellets,” Mrs. Pac-Man stopped here to take several anti-depressant pellets, “no one would, and the ghosts would just run amok. We can’t have that, can we!”
Mrs. Pac-Man’s children, Pac-Girl and Pac-Jeremy, have noticed something funny about their mother, who looks like a pizza with a piece taken out.
“She’s acting weird,” explains Pac-Child Pac-Jeremy. “Earlier, when I said I wanted to go outside and play with Diddy Kong, she yelled at me and then started crying and hugging me while saying she loves me so much that it hurts her. I just wanted to throw some barrels with my buddy. Get it together, mom.”
Mrs. Pac-Man reportedly experiences random fits of sobbing followed by fear that she’ll burn her husband’s pellets.
“That woman is losing her marbles,” says Pac-Man of the house, Pac-Man. “I come home and she has on this fake, forty-one degree smile as if everything is okay, but I know it isn’t. We haven’t pucked in weeks, and she looks at me like I’m a murderer. Sure, I eat a lot of ghosts, but that’s purely self-defense. Does she think this is pucking easy? Sometimes I just wish she would go ‘waah wah wah’ and turn into a line and disappear. I mean Jesus fuckin’ Christ, woman.”
At press time, Mrs. Pac-Man was reportedly having a life-affirming affair with Ms. Pac-Man in the background of a Dig-Dug screen.