Mixed Feelings: The Protagonist Of Alan Wake 2 Is The Barenaked Ladies

Great news for Canadians and odd news for everyone else as Remedy Entertainment, developer of the upcoming Alan Wake 2, has announced that they are replacing their protagonist Alan Wake with the current lineup of the Barenaked Ladies. The acclaimed psychological horror series will see the band meet their deepest and darkest fears, while also jamming out some soft rock classics that you can drink a Molson to all night long.

“These guys really get across the horror in a way that Alan Wake himself couldn’t,” said Finnish cheek model and game creator Sam Lake. “As a protagonist, Alan might have been able to convey a bitter pain and terror, but BNL is going to display a dry wit and optimistic perspective that will engage the audience and confuse the monsters trying to eat their skulls. I really think you guys are going to get on board when you see these Canucks’ digital representations playing their original track ‘Alan Wake Double Take’ at the end. The song is so catchy, it leads the cosmic horrors to realize that dancing is better than killing, and then they party their problems away.”

The superstars north of the border also seemed pleased with their virtual twist of fate.

“I really have no idea why he wants us to do this,” said Ed Robertson, vocalist for BNL who was not arrested for cocaine possession in 2008. “This guy comes up to us after our fifteenth consecutive sweeping of the Juno Awards. He’s sweating, clearly nervous, and has insane cheekbones. It was Sam Lake, and he was desperate to get us to star in his game. He kept quoting our more obscure songs, so I’m sure he’s a fan, but I’m not sure how that led him to believe we would be strong mo-cap protagonists. Eventually, he offered to pay us in American money, which is an opportunity you can’t pass up. We did insist on recording our parts in Canada, because once we leave it, we also lose most of our powers and fame.”

Word of the surprise casting has spread like wildfire, with many video game developers scrambling to keep up with the Canadian arms race. In a clear ripoff, Doom 3 will both star and be scored by Joni Mitchell.

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