Local man Steven Tolbsky has just reported to Nerfwire that his deathless run of life, which he started on December 13, 1992, is going pretty good so far. Tolbsky has been doing this challenging run continuously since he was born, and seems fairly committed to getting the WR.
“Every day I get a new PB,” says Tolbsky, air traffic controller and avid not dying enthusiast, “How many runners can boast that feat? I am constantly improving, and every day I get further than the previous. There have been a lot of runners before me who tried deathless and failed. George Washington, Augustine of Hippo, my cousin Andrew, they were all pretty good runners, but none of them ever got a deathless run. So far, I am on pace to match and even beat them.”
Tolbsky says that he was utilizing previously undiscovered exploits in life, such as penicillin and vaccines, and that they had given him a leg up on previous runners.
“He’s incredible!” reports Twitch user Cerealmurdererr when asked about why he enjoys Tolbsky’s deathless livestreams. “The man cannot be stopped! Last week, there was a mugger who came up to him with a knife, and he instantly made the right decision to hand over all of his valuable belongings. What an absolute genius gamer. Earlier he had a moral choice about whether or not to donate to a homeless person, and he chose not to because he knew it would slow down his money creep. He also seems to be doing a sexless run, but that seems like a whole other thing.”
This type of run is in Tolbsky’s blood, his father having attempted a deathless run that sadly ended in failure when he spent all of his money mana on cheeseburgers, and almost none on a gym membership. Tolbsky Senior lost his run at only 56 years, 4 months, 21 days, 16 hours, 5 minutes, and 56.91 seconds. His last words were, “Fuck me, now I have to do a reset, since I’m a Buddhist.”
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