Gaming is, at its heart, for everyone, and while some people play games just to have fun, others strive to be the very best. Unfortunately, one local gamer has gotten too good at games to casually play them with friends anymore, as he reportedly can’t stop obliterating them into dust or getting angry at their deeply sub-optimal play.
Meet local gamer and suitable Icarus allegory Mark Azalea, who has plunged far too deep into the waters of competitive gaming. Azalea, who used to spend his Friday nights casually playing Super Smash Bros., now sits in his room and streams himself climbing for glory to a Twitch audience of four or so viewers.
“The idea of playing with items on is sickening. Hell, I can barely stomach playing on a tournament non-legal stage!” said Mark in a recent interview with his mom. “Sure, my friends lose every match, but they haven’t even made an effort to grind out any tech skill yet.”
According to Mark’s friends, his descent into competitive gaming began slowly. “I think it started when we looked up that tier list that one night,” says Summer, a friend of Mark’s who asked us not to use her last name, Wallace. “I saw this look in his eyes when I told him that Duck Hunt, his favorite character up until that point, was supposedly not a top-tier choice. He then switched to Bayonetta and never looked back. He even started calling her his ‘main,’ whatever that means. Can you guys explain that? Is it a masturbation thing?”
While Mark’s friends still continue to enjoy their gaming sessions, they reportedly don’t have much patience for his unwarranted aggression. Despite trying to pick new games to play as a group, Mark’s quest to be the best stands strong. “We tried playing Mario Kart 8 at one point,” continues Summer, “but after a few google searches, Mark wouldn’t stop muttering about mini turbos and rubberbanding. It’s like he’s trying to have as little fun as possible.”
While conducting our investigation, Nerfwire found that it appears Mark has not replaced his empty deodorant can in weeks, signaling that it may be too late for him.
Join our community on Discord, find us on Facebook and Twitter, and subscribe to our Patreon for exclusive benefits.