Talk about embarrassing. Yesterday after dinner, local man and veteran gamer Grant Berry was having some ice cream with friends, only to refer to it as “S-tier” without realizing that his friends are actual humans outside of their online presence. Yikes.
“Normally, I would be around people who live for nothing other than to stare at pixels all day,” said Grant, “and they would have understood that perfectly. This time, though, I was with my friends who have healthy and functional social lives, and they just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.”
Even worse, Grant’s friends appear to have real hobbies that they wouldn’t feel ashamed bringing up at family gatherings. Among them, they mountain bike, knit, play basketball, and volunteer at soup kitchens. Sadly, none of these activities allow for the understanding of Grant’s unique vernacular, which is typically only understood by gangly, troglodytic freaks like himself.
“At first I was confused,” said avid painter and well-adjusted human being Danica White, “S-tier? What does that mean? Was he comparing the ice cream to Superman? I remember thinking, ‘I don’t really read comics so I didn’t get that.’ But when Matt didn’t get it either, I realized it must be one of those video game things Grant plays. You know, I used to think he was kinda cute, but this is really turning me off.”
According to eyewitnesses, Grant repeatedly stumbled over himself in a frantic attempt to explain away his faux pas, desperately reaching for ways to justify his total lack of social grace and inability to process information outside the lens of a video game. When all else failed, he proceeded to give an awkward smile and chuckle nervously, striving in vain to diffuse the situation and allow the conversation to move on.
At press time, Grant’s friends were planning a trip to a bar and unanimously agreeing not to invite him.