Not sure whether to invite your League of Legends friends over for a few drinks? Not to worry, dear reader: they’re probably huge assholes in real life and you shouldn’t bother. But on the off-chance that they seem cool, here’s our comprehensive list on what you can expect if you’re trying to avoid (or perhaps, ensure) an awkward sexual encounter.
Are you kidding? Skarner mains haven’t felt the intimate touch of another human being since the Bush administration, and we don’t mean the second one. A couple of shots won’t change that. Skarner mains are drinking to take the pain away.
Surprisingly, Evelynn mains are actually not DTF. They play LoL with headphones on because they’re worried their spouse will walk in and hear the demon in the middle of some saucy remark. Yeah, they’re all kinda put off by the succubus thing. Can’t they just play a game in peace?
Senna mains think you’re cute but don’t want to rush into anything. They like to keep things on the down-low and tend to have sound decision-making skills even with a blood alcohol level greater than 1. Senna mains take it slow, so don’t get involved unless you’re prepared to get ghosted for six years.
Malphite mains are only DTF in direct proportion to the amount of “rock-solid” jokes they can make before everyone at the party gives up trying to talk to them.
Teemo mains are unpredictable. You might invite one over for a quiet night of watching movies, and before you know it, you’re on your back. On the other hand, you might get wasted out of your mind only to wake up to the realization that the Teemo main tucked you into bed for a good night’s rest when it seemed like things were getting out of hand. They even left some aspirin and bottled water on the nightstand for when you woke up. Whatever Teemo mains choose to do on a night out, they are unnervingly good at it. Drink with them at your own risk.
Looks can be deceiving. Garen mains might seem like “knight in shining armor” types on the surface—Lord knows how you got the chaste motherfuckers drinking in the first place. But once the buzz kicks in and the inhibitions start to fall, all of that repressed desire pops into view like a Garen out of top lane brush. You know it’s true.
Aphelios mains are generally DTF, but you should not sleep with them under any circumstances. They brought five different types of condoms and you’ll spend way too much time confusedly reading the intricate fine print on all of them, only to find that they’re fucking annoying to play with anyway.
Singed mains fuck. Hard.
Oh, Kayn mains are absolutely DTF. Not only are they clearly drawn to the “edgy fuckboy” archetype (famously one of the horniest tropes of all), but they also have ample experience switching roles mid-game.
Akali mains are a little too DTF. They see sex as a game, and one they are winning. Akali mains work hard and play harder. They will outright intimidate you into sleeping with them, but like, in a cool, consensual way.
Irelia mains are like Akali mains but violent.
Vlad mains are the horniest motherfuckers on the planet and we’re tired of pretending they’re not. What’s hotter than a secret magical pansexual hedonistic vampire aristocrat cult? Nothing, that’s what. This is the person who “jokes” about turning the party into an orgy.
Was there any chance of the nine-tailed fox not making the top spot? Someday, Ahri mains’ collective thirst will blot out the sun and initiate a major extinction event. These people don’t need “drinks” to be DTF. They’re currently reading this article in a post-masturbation high. You will never know the lust they feel.
You’re going to jail.