At Nerfwire, we seek to keep our thumb pressed firmly to the pulse of global politics, hard enough for it to restrict circulation. As such, we’ve sent one of our top contributors, [redacted at request of the South Korean government], to examine just what goes into utter dominance over the gaming world. What he found will shock you, unless you already kind of know about esports. Then you pretty much know what’s coming.
South Korea: the esports capital of the world. Seoul: The capital of that capital. The air here is electric—not literally, of course, but enough to make your hair stand on end. Figuratively, as we have already established.
I have not met one of the “pro players,” or “멍청한 미국인,” as the locals seem to call them, speaking only in hushed whispers with furrowed brows. They are easily startled: when I approach them, asking to be taken to their leader, to the unkillable demon king, I am met only with confusion, sometimes even hostility. My guide, Sung Won—he claims that his name is Bill, but I am sure it is only modesty, typical of the humble Korean people—insists that I not approach them without supervision, mentioning something about “idiots” and “lawsuits.” I fully agree—getting sued by one of these ignoramuses would be most vexing.
We are currently “holed up” in a hotel, which reminds me of home. The sheets, the pillows, the showers… they even had toilets, real toilets, which surprised me! I should have known that the kings of esports would have mastered the porcelain throne. After I had done my duty (pun intended) I decided to take a crack at playing League of Legends, with the mythical South Korean zero ping under my command. Ever the scientist, I had already played a control game on the plane here: though the stewardess did get rather snippy, I managed to secure a victory playing my main, Zed. As soon as I reach level thirty, a spot in challenger rank awaits me.
[Editors note: Here, I have removed a thirty-seven page excerpt of what I can only describe as “fan fiction,” which culminated in the author sharing a homoerotically charged shower with the entire lineup of SKT. As it was both unrelated and borderline pornographic, I have decided to remove all but the last paragraph.]
“It was certainly something,” kkOma will smile, toweling off his toned, gleaming buttocks, so perfect that Faker himself must have sculpted them out of the finest human flesh, the kind normally reserved for the breasts of royal genius supermodels, “I can trust that you’ll give my proposition… adequate consideration.” And with that last, lingering reminder (along with one last, lingering look) he will depart, leaving me with only memories… memories, and the deepest love I have ever known…
But enough of these idle thoughts! The game here went much poorer than I expected, with over nine hundred ping—far from what I expected in this land of infinite opportunities! When I expressed my disappointment to Sung Won, he told me that I was still on the North American server, a concept that he could not adequately explain, even after half an hour of trying. In the end, out of pity, I laid a gentle hand upon his shoulder—softly, I asked him to take me to the “PC Bang” tomorrow, so that the servers would understand I was in Korea. After a moment of silence, he agreed.