With Fortnite’s Chapter 2, Season 3 just around the corner, Epic Games have finally released the details of their latest and greatest map update. Other, lesser journalistic publications have already been quick to pounce on the obvious changes, such as how the majority of this new map is covered in mysterious “water,” but after an exhaustive analysis, our panel of experts have conclusively determined that the newest Fortnite map also contains a fun little easter egg: if viewed backwards in a mirror and drenched with the blood of virgins, the Season 3 map reveals itself as the Mark of the Unholy Beast, herald of the Lord of Lies, the Ever-Changing Serpent, He Who Has Been Unwritten. Wacky, right?
“I mean, usually we just check for, like… new features, and stuff. Like this ‘water’ thing,” commented expert soothsayer and Applebee’s assistant manager Bryan “Bry-Man” Hanson. “But we had some virgin blood just lying around, so I was like, fuck it, let’s transcribe it onto a tapestry of human skin, soak this sucker and see what turns up. And whaddaya know, Mark of the Beast, clear as day. That’s what makes this job worth it, man. That’s why you gotta go that extra mile.”
The Mark of the Unholy Beast was first discovered in the game PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, hinting at the dark deal made by its development team for fame and fortune. In the past, exposure to the Mark has caused fevers, seizures, blood clotting, blood thinning, a horrifying condition known only as “anal reversal,” and a desire to keep playing PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds in defiance of all logic. When asked to comment on the profane aura of the Mark, CEO of Epic Games Tim Sweeney was quick to put these rumors to rest.
“I am not of understanding the question,” hissed Sweeney, his strangely reptilian eyes wide and unblinking. “Your children shall bathe in the aura of the master’s Mark. And then, when their souls have burst forth from their prisons of flesh, they shall become his children. Come closer. We have much Aquaman to bestow upon you.” Sweeney also went on to clarify that the Aquaman crossover was crucial to his dark lord’s sacrilegious mission, as the shirtless Jason Momoa had been carefully designed to tempt young boys to indulge in their earthly desires.
When asked whether he felt any shame or remorse regarding the update, Sweeney replied, “We were actually tempted down this dark path by repeated exposure to our own players. If you haven’t interacted with a child recently, I cannot recommend it. They are the cruelest of all of Satan’s spawn.”
We briefly spoke to concerned parents Barb and Jeffery Kingsley, who alleged that Fortnite was “turning [their] thirteen-year-old boy even more soulless and diabolical than before,” but “features some pretty dope fuckin’ skins, admittedly.”